need.

so i did alright on my lab exam. turns out i neglected to study an entire portion of the study guide....don't ask how, i just managed to do that. i think i broke an 80 if i'm lucky. lucky.

the celtics game was really fun. we won. yay!

the boyfriend and i totally bailed on the company holiday party we were supposed to attend. i felt bad for about 30 minutes and then realized it was the best decision i had made all day. we went to tasca's for dinner, instead, and then met up with friends at the middlesex lounge.

i drank a little too much and got a little too silly for even my taste, so that was a little regretful, but otherwise the night was pretty fun.

sunday was spent with my sister and father in the a.m. for breakfast at newcomb farms. it was exactly what i needed in order to feel like a human again.

after that, my sister and i met up with our mum to go to wrentham outlets for some christmas shopping. after realizing i could afford nothing in even the OUTLETS, i headed on over to The Gap and Banana Republic Outlets for some clothes for the bf. he desperately needed some sweaters and button ups. i spent $110 on three sweaters, two button ups, two undershirts and four pair of boxers. you know the economy is bad when you can get all that for $110.

upon returning to my beloved Boston...i plopped down on the couch and fell asleep for 5 hrs. my body needed to recuperate.

yesterday was pretty good. i had a dr. appointment in the a.m. so got to head into work a little late, which is always a plus for me =)

work has really picked up - a true blessing. days going by faster are welcomed over here.

what else...today i go back to the gym for my cardio, that'll be fun. then i'll hopefully neaten up my room a bit and do some laundry and get in some studying at the same time...we'll see which of those three things happens though! the day simply isn't long enough.

take care.

updateupdate.

i could bore you with all of the banalities of my existence over the past 2 weeks but there are only a few things i really want to touch upon, so you only get the highlights...lucky you.

thanksgiving was bittersweet. my dad didn't have anywhere to go (not to any fault of my own, i warned him a month in advance that he was on his own this year) so my thoughts were with him in a sad way. BUT thanksgiving at the bf's mum's house was really delicious and fun(ny). i felt welcomed and warm the whole time. i love that the bf came from such a warm home. it really explains his confident, peaceful approach to life. like usual, i have lessons to take from him.

a long time friend of mine and his lovely (and i truly mean that) lady got engaged! on (if my memory serves me right) nov 30th. a randomn text from him inviting me out while i was in his area (we live relatively far apart...for Boston anyway) afforded me the opportunity to be part of his and his lady's celebratory get together in our home town. if you're reading this Joc, it was an honor to have been a part of it. truly. congratulations from the bottom of my heart.

and that brings us up to this week, where much much less exciting things have happened, yet positive things nonetheless so they're docu-worthy.

i started the banana diet except a little revised: a banana and a coffee for breakfast, a modest lunch and a dinner with no carbs before 8 pm. i've been feeling the difference already, honestly, but that could be because i started going to the gym again!

yes, you heard right, i'm back at the gym. DEFINITELY not in the capacity i was when i was younger (i was a nut about the gym back then...here's to hoping i turn into that nut again!), but it's something and something is always better than nothing. unless it's something bad, and then something is way worse than nothing.

i digress, i've been dieting and going to the gym this week and i feel GOOD. i have more energy than i used to and i'm more positive (except a slip-up i had with assuming way too much, getting upset over it and needing to apologize later for assuming something when nothing was there. confused? yeah, me too.)

i decided that i wanted to have a new lease on life. i want to look how i did when i was younger and i want to feel better about myself...the latter being more important than the former. PLUS, i'm going to vegas for new years, so that ought to inspire me to do a little more cardio than usual!

tonight the bf is taking me to the Celtics/Blazers game tonight at 8 pm...but before that i'll be taking my lab final for A&P II. i feel pretty good about it so i'm just looking forward to the game!

tomorrow night is the holiday party for my company. this is the first time i've ever brought a date with me...ANYWHERE. i'm including every holiday party i've ever been to AND every wedding i've ever been to. i'm 27, that is not normal. so i'm pretty excited to bring the man i love with me to this company function...i feel grown-up. i think me saying that automatically makes me not grown-up though. eh, whatever.

after the holiday party, we'll be meeting friends up at the middlesex lounge, which is hands down my favorite place in boston. i've never gone and NOT liked what i heard. the bf and i will be dolled up too so that's kinda fun...night out on the town.

okay enough girly talk. the bottom line is that i'm looking forward to this weekend in a big way.

have a good one.

leaves.

i kid you not, i saw a building employee literally vacuuming leaves off of the sidewalk with a vacuum cleaner that was plugged into the lobby.

how strange is that? i wish i had a photos.

what happened to a rake, or a broom? or just letting leaves fall in front of your doorway.

that was on my way to jury duty.

we were free to go by 12:40...which was awesome. i have so much going on tomorrow that i could not afford to be out of The Office today.

i need to keep on taking deep breaths for the next 1.75 hrs.

cold.

it's so cold that i can't feel my fingers....i mean i obviously can, since i'm typing...but it feels like i can't...know what i mean?

chilled. to. the. bone.

blegh.

the boyfriend and i are wondering why we live in the part of the country that has 4 actual seasons, that actually fluctuate from the previous one. winter is so harsh in new england. i don't know why people live in this tundra of a place.

i had to drop the bf off at work this morning (his car has a problem that is taking a while to be fixed), which is technically in the opposite direction of my office but since he has to be at work on time, unlike me, i drop him off by 7:30 and get to my office by 8:30...30-40 minutes earlier than if i were to go to work straight from my own apartment without dropping him off.

strange right? i behave much better when other people are relying on me for something...i don't rely on myself to get up on time, so i never do. i wish i knew how to rely on myself for that because i honestly feel better when i wake up earlier. i feel more awake and prepared for life.

i actually read in this psych. book that people with depression (i'm convinced i have seasonal affective disorder) are in better spirits when they wake up way early. since it's now winter, i should do the same to avoid the winter blues i feel like i usually get.

on a more aggravating note, my apartment is not fully functioning in the heat department. i mean, heat radiates of the radiators, but not to any impressive degree. and i'd use a space heater in my room, but every time i turn it on i reset the fuse box so our power goes out. HOW GHETTO IS THAT?!

AND our shower head only shoots water out (like a high pressure firehose, no "shower"ing to be had in our shower) of half of its head...so i bought a new shower head to replace it and the landlord has yet to install it.

two completely huge issues that i cannot go on living with. no, i'm not going to kill myself...i'm going to continue b*tching to my landlord about fixing it and if he doesn't i'm seriously considering moving out or withholding rent. getting my 2 rather make-peace-not-war roommates on board with this idea is going to be the hard part. i think if i refuse, they'll refuse. hopefully it's that easy.

that's all for now...

weak.

what a week:

monday - i go to the tattoo parlor i've been longing to try out for over a year to get my memorial tattoo for my best friend who i lost last year on 11/11/07. i get it done in brown, so when it heals it'll look like henna which is used for mehndi...a popular Indian artform for a woman's hands/arm/legs/feet. it all meant so much. the tattoo artist, Ben, was super nice and tattoo'ed me perfectly. it's exactly where i want it. getting used to having a mark on my forearm is taking a little time but i know once it's healed, i'll be totally used to it. all long sleeved shirts from now on in The Office, that's for sure.

tuesday - this day last year was one i'll never forget. it was the day i lost one of my best friends. i wish i could write more about her, but i have too many feelings going on to go into depth about it. she was an amazing woman, stronger than i ever knew and beautiful. truly beautiful. i miss you, girl.

wednesday - today would have been her 27th birthday. i can't believe we lost her the day before her 26th...it only feels like yesterday. a life cut too short. happy birthday.

thursday - i can't seem to get myself up out of bed this morning, so call into work late...i head in at 11 instead of the supposed 9 am. on my way to work i speak with my mother who let me know that her brother died on Tuesday...she was never close to him as an adult so he was never around as my "uncle" but it's still saddens me that he is gone. it goes to show that whatever you're putting off to be done tomorrow, you should do today. like, what if he wanted to get back in touch with my mum or vice versa...that chance is not here anymore. it could have been done monday. so if anyone reads this thing...reconnect with those you miss and tell the ones you love that you love them and finally do what you've been putting off! =) you'll thank me later.

------------------------------------------------------------

i have a psych. exam tonight which i don't think will be the most difficult of exams. i'm hungry and am feeling guilty for coming into work late...i worry i might get fired, but honestly my boss has no idea that i was late today...he doesn't work in my office. that's no reason to continue being late so next week i vow to be at LEAST on time for work, if not EARLY.

i had to write that so i'll have a better chance of adhering to it.

dating.

so my parents recently separated (april) and just the other day, my mum tells me she has created an online profile on a matchmaking website. what?!

my mum is 64 years old and bored, apparently. or at least that's what she says. if i were to term it, i'd probably term it as lonely more than bored, but who am i? her daughter, that's who. haha.

her daughter who was asked to post her mother's "best photo" up on these sites. did her daughter come through on the task? you bet.

see, my parents split didn't affect me personally. i don't have any resentment, bitterness, [insert divorce related emotion here]. i just don't. i don't think they were good together and i think they're better off apart.

i do, however, feel bad for my father because he will never take the initiative to date again and he will also never learn how to cook: two things i'd have for him if i had my way. but again, who am i to want these things. he should be wanting these things himself.

anyway, it tickles me that my mum is dating again, after 30 years. good for her.

i have hope.

here's to hope, guys.

happy happy halloween!

i love love love halloween. love it. it's the one time a year where you can wear whatever you want, with no explanation unless your costume is hard to figure out).

my best friend had a pumpkin carving party at her house and this is the pumpkin i carved. at first, in the light, everyone was asking what i was doing. i could tell they didn't expect anything haunting...but i think i created a pretty evil face. i'm pleased =)

i have an exam (i'm going to fail) tonight plus probably an hour of class after that tonight, so i'm not celebrating tonight...HOWEVER, i will be celebrating tomorrow at my bf's house b/c they're having a costume party. i love costume parties, no matter what time of year it is.

i'm going to be Aphrodite this year. i know, i know...pretty common...but i'm taking a break from being "original" (last year i was a lamb - my costume came out pretty cute actually ;) and being "sexy" this year.

my bf is going to be ghandi...a very cold ghandi...it's freezing where i live! 33 degrees this morning...33 degrees!

anyway, none of my gfs are dressing up...except the one who is coming to my bf's house party. i can't believe they aren't anything but completely amped about dressing up and halloween. this is where we differ haha. i love them to pieces regardless. <3

okay maybe more later....ran out of things to say.

not much to say.

except that i want these curtains. bad. but who pays $123 a panel? not me...no effin way.

doggie.

this is Bones.

his real name is Conan (named partly after my love for Conan O'Brien and partly for a loose translation into Mandarin Gou-Nan meaning male dog) but after one of the funniest Conan O'Brien skits i've ever seen, he was then called ConeBone...then Bones.

i adopted him when back in 2002 when he was 9 mos old (13 y/o in people years). he was majorly neglected as a child and barely even knew how to walk up a step when i first got him. after years of love and care, along with a few dog training lessons to socialize him, he's probably at his best at the ripe old age of 8 years old orso his last doggy socializing class teacher said. she said the other option for him is doggy anxiety meds...he's a little skiddish. i refuse to medicate my dog who has no idea there's anything wrong with him. everyone's reality is different and i'm gonna let his be neurotic. i love him regardless.

anyway, he's been shuffled from my respective places to my parents' home for the past 7 years, depending on if i could have a pet. for the mostpart, i couldn't, so for the mostpart he lived with my parents.

recently, my parents split and Bones was left with my dad. my dad feeds him and lets him out, but doesn't pet him or give him the affection he's used to having.

so i've resolved to make Bones a permanent fixture on my life, starting next year when my lease is up.

i'm very excited because he's an awesome little guy and although it's not easy to have a dog in the city, especially with a dog who refuses to walk on a leash, i'll make sure to live in a place that will accept both of us with open arms.

i love him so much and he's been around for so many different phases in my life, that i feel he's my old man. my old grandpa-looking sugar daddy. just instead of showering me with gifts, he showers me with fur....pug fur.

tattoo.

this will be my next tattoo...coming up in the next few weeks. it is of my best friend's name in her native language.

i'm very much looking forward to this.

cuckoo.

sometimes i have no idea why things upset me and it makes me feel crazy. i'm genuinely considering a therapist at this point because not only is it affecting me and how i lead my life, it's affecting a relationship...a relationship i hold very high up.

i feel so badly for any damage i created by being so hot/cold. i really do.

blegh.

i'm feeling pretty down on myself today:

• i pitched a fit last night for no other reason than my own insecurity, which is so unattractive in a person.
• i'm sick.
• i have an exam tomorrow and i'm not prepared.

i have to call the boyfriend and admonish last night's behavior.

i have to study.

i have to rest.

'tis all.

a family affair.

this past weekend was our family get together.

it was partly a "where the hell has my family gone?"

and partly "wow, we missed celebrating three birthdays, i guess we better throw something together to honor these people i call my family."

so i rallied up the troops (12 of us this time...it's usually 13) plus four people i consider family (totaling us out to 16) had a big, huge, turkey dinner. of course i was supposed to make this turkey dinner and of course my mum made it all herself. she bought the turkey a few days ahead and stuffed it so that was taken care of. then when i went to take the teeniest nap, she boiled all of the vegetables to mash. HOW DARE SHE?!

how dare that woman lift a finger after the 40 years of family labor she's already contributed. i said good day sir!

okay so anyway, i felt super guilty about that but am letting it go as soon as i publish this post...thanks for being "that" person for me.

but the heart of the matter is that this was the first time for a couple of things:

1. my boyfriend being at a family event as my boyfriend. he's been in my life for 12 years but not in the capacity of my boyfriend. it went smoothly...thank the higher-ups for the little things right? if the boyfriend's reading this, i appreciate you, sir. i really do.
2. my parents being at a family event together since they split this past spring. my father didn't eat one bite of his meal and left without saying bye to anyone. honestly, things could have gone a lot worse than that. for instance, he could have not come at all or he could have been an ahole to everyone. but he was friendly and talkative - he just didn't eat and left without saying bye. i guess when your wife leaves you, you tend to feel uncomfortable. my sympathies are with him.

anyway, the family event went well. i was exhausted from not-enough-sleep and the onset of a cold, AND i was in my slump, so i wasn't the chipperest of people, but i think my family of all people should understand that.

so that was my sunday. i slept all day saturday - till 2:30 pm...what am i? a bear?

have a good day.

progress.

i mean pro-gress. you know, how the English say it. i like that way of saying it better than the American way. prawgress. progress sounds much better when it's said with the pro.

anyway, if you're still reading after that stupid intro, thank you. i mean it. deeply. thank you.

so i've been making progress. i consider it to be major progress because for the past week or two i've been in the biggest slump. i mean seriously. i have done little-to-no homework for two rather information intensive courses, and i've been just looking at my grad school application (career changing nursing program...awesome right?). i've just been sitting there. all they ask of the applicant is to write a measly essay explaining themselves in one way or another as to why they're a leader in their life (personal, academic, professional). i put it off and put it off because i had no clue how i'm a leader.

then i go to dinner with Q, a long lost friend of mine who probably got lost because of my flakiness...or so he tells me. anyway, we catch up over sushi and

1. he tells me i've changed and it makes him sad - WHAT? who says that. Q says that. he shoots it straight. i have no idea what to do with that information but i'm mulling it over.
2. he tells me i'm not a spring chicken, so get on with it with the grad school application. he's totally right and i finally did.

he made a suggestion of an essay topic i could write on exemplifying my leadership skills but i ended up going another route. i picked a topic that so sincerely stings when i think about it. why the masochism, L? because. it's important to get through these things that could be possibly perceived as weaknesses if you don't address them yourself. and i'll tell you the topic.

i wasn't invited back to a second year of law school. nope. and that's exactly how they say it, if you were ever wondering. they let you know that you are not invited back. it's the classiest and only kick-out i've ever experienced. i wonder how med school does it...maybe they say: you will no longer be gracing us with your presence. that's the only nicer way i can think of a school rejecting a student from returning.

i digress. i wasn't invited back to law school, and it was totally for the best. i hated it. i hated every minute of it. i was driven to tears on many an occasion. whatever higher powers exist were watching me that day and said "Let's put her out of her misery."

but as much as i know this, i was still hurt, offended, and humbled. completely humbled. i can't emphasize how humbled i was. i let it get to me for a very long time...until i enrolled in pre-nursing classes (predominantly sciences and psych courses) and got As!

i digress again. i felt it was important to write about my experience in law school and explain how it was a learning experience in many ways. the biggest way was that i learned it wasn't for me. we weren't meant to be together....ever. haha.

so that's what my essay is on and maybe i'll post it up here when it's in its final form, but the boyfriend has to review it and hopefully rip it apart a few times for me before i have something coherent enough to send into the grad school.

wish me luck!

DL's PCOTD

She did it again! She gave me a little nugget of pure unprofessionalism, albeit a tiny one this time.

Background: DL's under the gun to train a bunch of big wigs on how to use a particular accounting program we use here at The Office. She's on a phone call discussing how she's going to go about training them - most likely with someone above her - and the topic of her drafting up a power point slide show comes up....and......go!

"Listen, I've got to keep it simple. I'm not a Fancy Power Point Person....I don't have time to figure that out."

A.) She has an assistant who she utilizes to make copies and ship things...if she let her assisant develop professionally, she could have her assistant do the Power Point slides and never let anyone above her know that she doesn't know how to use Power Point...being an employee of the company for over 20 years.

B.) WHO TALKS LIKE THAT in a professional setting?!?!!

siiiiiiigh.

okay more later. just had to document that before i forgot to.

more.

there has GOT to be more to life than this. i mean, i know there is. i'm just not "there" yet.

i work a 9-5. and i use the term "work" very loosely. very loosely.

the reality of it is more like this:

i drive 40 minutes each way to an office park, where i pull into a parking spot and walk into a building that houses a few hundred people. i then go into my assigned seat located inside three partioned walls and sit. i just sit here. for 8 hrs a day.

i might as well be playing "damn it feels good to be a gangsta...." i practically live on the set of Office Space.


i mean, i stumble and i read my favorite blogs...and i chat on gmail. but in terms of work...i do very little of it. that's not to say i have a pile of work stacking up on my desk, because i don't. and i've been here for a year...you'd think someone would want to utilize me. i'm not dumb...i'm actually quite intelligent. with the proper training, i could benefit the company in a big way. but i've yet to be utilized.

and it doesn't help that i'm changing careers so i don't really care if i get the training i should probably be getting at this point. in my mind, i'm leaving next year so, why bother?

it's hanging on until next year that's the trouble...i can usually keep a positive mindset about things like this...like hanging in there and being patient but lately it's been difficult!

once i get in here, i start minorly panicking because i have nothing to do and it makes me crazy. i even downloaded some online books to read...albeit pirating.

so what's a girl to do? she's to hold on until she can't take it any more and i have a feeling i can hold on for one more year...or i'll submit my resume to a recruiter and take a different position for the one year i have left before finishing all of my pre-requisites for school.

who knows.

spent.

last week and this weekend both kicked my sorry butt around the block. i'm so spent.

if you knew me personally, you'd know that i never get spent.

but i'm spent. i fell asleep countless times at work today. countless. i even went out to my car to take a nap. i've had coffee and espresso...i'm still falling asleep.

but today is not over. NO. never over. when i get home, i must do the following in order for me to feel as though i've actually accomplished something other than slacking off at my job and they are as follows:

1. do my laundry. plus bf's laundry. easy peasy.

2. prime and paint my bookcases (small ones)...not so easy peasy.

3. take a quick nap....effortless.

4. go to the gym and begin my workout regimen for the first time in months....difficult.

thank goodness i have the boyfriend, who is totally down for working out. it motivates me a bit to have someone there to joke around with during what would otherwise be a rather torturous event. it'll all get easier in time, i know, but for the first time in months...it'll be a toughy.

i have a few minutes left here at work and i'm trying not to nod off...thanks for using up a few of those minutes and keeping me awake. yay.

till tomorrow...

friday.

i'm glad it's friday. friday is possibly my most favorite day of the week. it also is hands down the busiest day of the week for me. i think i like friday because it's the end of a work week and i have a 5 hr class on friday...and these classes i'm taking are the only reason i'm working...so it's kinda like a "screw you, work, it's friday, i'm outta here...time for school...my REAL interest in life."

anyway, what i mean to say is that it's friday...praise baby jeebus.

this weekend will be full of duties. a dutiful weekend, if you will.

tomorrow is King Richard's Faire with my dad and my three brothers and two nephews. 6 men at a medieval fair is hardly something this 27 year old woman wants to do. but guess what? i'm a good daughter, so i'm going.

sunday will involve studying copious amounts of cardiac system and preparing for a psych. exam. joy.

my only saving grace this weekend is possibly having a cup of coffee with my brother who is in from out-of-town, sans the 5 other guys and seeing my boyfriend for dinner perhaps. i don't even think i'll see my mum this weekend, that's how full of crap it is! haha.

full of crap! i kid.

not complaining though, becuase there are plenty of people out there that would trade places with me any day and i know that. i'm lucky to be wanted at so many places, so many times. i really am.

anyway, this week was stressful in the work department, fun in the friends department, and tedious in the family department, and good in the love department. all in all: we deserve this weekend coming up!

have a good one.

DL's PCOTD

so there's a woman here in the office who is very high up. very well known and very important to the company (or so i'm led to believe). this woman i have named Dragon Lady. she is so fierce and ruthless with how she handles her business and people, that's akin to a dragon...but she's a lady too so there ya go: Dragon Lady.

i think i'm going to make one of my segments on here one that i've been using for a while, with regard to her: Professional Comment of the Day (PCOTD). and lucky for you, today - the very beginning of my online documentation of PCOTD - there are two!

so DL rose to the level of importance to having need a blackberry...or a crackberry....whatever you'd like to call it. i'm going to slightly ignore the fact that she asked how to turn it on (i'm sorry but technology has been so streamlined that the power button looks the same on every phone/pda device...it just does!)

so aside from that blunder, she says the following, within ear shot (3 cubes away):

1. "I feel like a guy now! I feel like a guy now!"

why? because you have a blackberry strapped to your waist? because only men need blackberries because for the most part only men are higherups? what did you mean by that DL? tell me!

offensive. just is.

2. in reference to a restructuring the office is undergoing, she makes light of her possibly losing her job by saying the following:

"I can go back to work at that fast food place I used to work...I know how to say HOLA!"

seriously folks? can we stomach this? i can't.

i really can't. i'm waiting for the moment i can report her. the second comment is pretty close but not close enough. i want to drown her in her own ignorance and stupidity.

okay that's all for now. i'll post more about my days soon...just gotta work out my mental kinks.

down

so i kinda created this blog as an outlet. a "no pressure" outlet to pour my thoughts into. i know i have tons to say, i just don't always know how to creatively verbalise it all. and my personal rule is to creatively verbalise or don't verbalise at all and that's a shit rule. verbalising is verbalising and it's creating, whether or not it's creative or uncreative. and for that matter, who cares about the creativity. sure, it makes for a quicker read but it's still a read if it's not creative.

so yeah, anyway, my boyfriend suggested i get back into this and i totally agree. i'm going to be rusty at first, but i think it'll come back to me just like riding a bike.

i mean honestly, i have hours upon hours of time during the day (to be explained later) to do this so why not?

actually right now i don't have a whole lot of time, as it's a "rush" season right now here at work so i better take care of some things before i delve into any more. be back.

here it goes...

i've had, let me count...five blogs...some of them i've kept private, some i've kept public, some i've kept anonymous and some i've kept completely open and mine. i think my favorite one was my xanga blog because i was at a point in my life where the corporate world was new, so i could pick up the crazy nuances and play off of them...it was fun. then, when i lived in china for 6 months, i blogged about the crazy differences via my MySpace blog...which i recently quit *yay*. and then i discovered blogger. i began with a blog connected directly to my personal e-mail address...then i realized if i ever write about how i want to quit my job, that they'll find that out more easily...so i stopped that blog and then i created one under this e-mail address and i liked the anonymity, but i didn't like my self-deprecation about not blogging frequently enough. so now here i am, with no ties and no obligation to write...just nothing. so here it goes. here goes nothing.